There is one person at work who can make my chest tighten just by walking into the room. Nothing dramatic. No raised voices. No obvious conflict. But every time we interact, I leave feeling smaller, anxious, and unsure why. I used to think she was doing something to me. Then I started paying closer attention. Some of it was her. But some of it was me.
If you have ever felt that way about someone, you are not imagining it. Certain people do trigger anxiety. But the reasons are not always what we think. And once you understand what is actually happening, you can do something about it.
Quick Answer: Why do certain people give me anxiety?
Certain people give you anxiety because they poke at something you have not fully made peace with, or because they cross boundaries you have not learned to set. Both are workable.
The Projection Trap
Here is something uncomfortable. Very often, the anxiety we feel around someone is a reflection of how we see ourselves. Not always. But often.
Projection is a common defense mechanism. It causes us to take parts of ourselves that we do not like and assign them to other people. If we feel uncomfortable around someone, we might convince ourselves that they do not like us. By blaming them, we get to avoid looking at ourselves.
If you already struggle with low self-esteem, you are especially likely to fall into this trap. A small coldness from someone becomes a full story about how they secretly hate you. A short reply becomes proof that you did something wrong.
The first question to ask is not what did they do. It is what am I feeling, and is it really about them?
When It Is Not Projection
Sometimes, though, it is not projection. Sometimes someone really is treating you badly. They are unpredictable. Dominating. Disrespectful. They cross lines and then act like you are the problem.
If that is what is happening, the answer is not to look inward. The answer is to take action.
But here is the part most of us miss. As much as we want to blame the other person for how we feel, we are the ones who set the tone for how we let others treat us. No one can make us feel a certain way forever. We always have the power to set limits. Even if that means ending a relationship that is doing us harm.
If you are letting bad behavior continue, you probably struggle with boundaries. That is not a character flaw. It is a skill most of us were never taught.
What Healthy Boundaries Actually Look Like
A boundary is something that separates two things. In relationships, it helps you keep your own identity while staying connected to someone else.
Healthy boundaries help you maintain self-respect. They help you understand where you end and the other person begins.
If boundaries were not modeled for you growing up, or if you grew up in a home that was restrictive or dominating, you might struggle to assert them now. That is not your fault. But it is your work to do.
When you cannot set limits around how people treat you, you end up feeling powerless. And powerless, for most of us, feels a lot like anxiety.
How to Stop the Pattern
Here is what has helped me.
Identify exactly what is happening. What is it about this person’s behavior that makes you anxious? Are they unpredictable? Do they dominate every conversation? Do they disrespect your time? By naming the specific behavior, you give yourself something to work with. Vague anxiety is harder to fix than a specific one.
Approach it directly and calmly. Being assertive does not mean being aggressive. It means being open, honest, and unafraid to ask for what you need. You have a right to be treated with respect. Your needs are just as important as theirs.
Use I statements. Instead of “you always do this,” try “I feel anxious when this happens.” For example, “I feel anxious when you bring up our disagreement in front of other people.” Same message. Less blame. More room for the other person to respond without getting defensive.
If they are not listening, repeat yourself calmly. This is called the broken record technique. You say the same thing again, in the same calm tone, until they hear you. You do not need to raise your voice. You just do not back down.
What I Learned From That Person at Work
I started paying attention to what was actually happening. Some of it was her behavior. She interrupted. She dismissed ideas. She was dismissive. But some of it was me. I was afraid to speak up. I was afraid of conflict. I was letting her set the tone.
Once I saw that, I started small. I asked for one thing I needed. A simple request. She paused. Then she said okay. Nothing broke. The next week, I did it again. Slowly, the dynamic shifted.
I cannot say we are friends now. But I am not anxious around her anymore. And that is enough.
A Closing Thought
Certain people will trigger you. That is part of being human. But the trigger is not the whole story. Some of it is them. Some of it is you. And the part that is you is the part you can actually do something about.
You are not powerless. You are just learning a skill you were never taught. And that is okay.
References
- American Psychological Association. “Anxiety.” APA Dictionary of Psychology.
- Cloud, Henry, and John Townsend. Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. Zondervan, 1992.
- Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly. Avery, 2012.
